A Nintendo Life
Remember on Super Mario Bros. when Mario or Luigi would eat (or retrieve, the graphics weren't good back then, so I couldn't tell what he was doing with it) that glowing flower, and for like ten seconds. they would become invincible? Well, that is what happens to celebrities. They get a little bit of fame and they think they are fu*king invincible.
Only instead of it lasting for ten seconds, it lasts until no one knows who they are anymore.
I just read in the paper today that O.J. Simpson got fined for stealing cable. Really OJ? If my broke a$$ can afford cable, he should be able to. WTF?!?!?
Wesley Snipes got arrested for using a fake passport. Cuz I guess it was too much trouble for him to, between all of his movies, go and get one of his own. And if he was unable to get one for whatever reason, I'm sure it was because he was doing something he had no business doing. Why do stars think their actions are non-punishable?
Winona Ryder stealing...because it was a sickness. Is that a sickness that only filthy rich white people get? Cuz I have never seen a young black girl get arrested for stealing and try to say she couldn't help it; it was a sickness. Right.
And Christian Slater thinks it is ok to grope strangers in corner stores. Cuz ANY woman should feel priveleged to be violated by Christian Slater. I mean, he is
famous, for God's sake.
And do celebrities spend all their money on drugs because they can, or is fame just too stressful? (
This comment can be taken as sarcastic or true, both connotations apply) I don't get it. Maybe you have nothing better to do when you are rich, or mo money mo problems as the saying goes. I don't know. But will someone please tell them that their ten seconds is up! If Mario's invincibility didn't have a time limit, the game would have been over in about twenty minutes.
You figure it out, because they sure haven't.
O.J. stealing cable...**shaking my head**
I've Been Hit
....by the Book Tag! Thank you, fuego, for forcing me to think about the stuff I have read over the years! And others who will be named at the bottom of this entry, beware, cuz you are next!
Total # of books I own:If I knew the number, would that mean that I didn't own enough? I have no idea. I have an overflowing bookshelf here, and a couple of boxes full back home. Not to mention the eighty that I lent out and never got back! Wait, that might balance out if you include the eighty I borrowed and never returned; I still have library books from college! *hanging my head in shame*
Last book I bought:A cookbook from The Food Network. I'm obsessed with The Food Network.
Last book I read:Some Soul To Keep by J. California Cooper. I love the way she can tell a story. She is proof that often times simplicity says it best.
Book I am currently reading:Confessions of a Video Vixen by Karrine Steffans. I know, I know...now you know my hidden shame. I needed a juicy, gossipy, guilty-pleasure book for the summer, and this is hitting the spot. Plus, I always like to read the life stories of people. And she uses real names!
First memory of a book:My first memory of a book was Dr. Seuss. I loved the rhyming. I used to memorize it when it was told to me, by page and everything, so I could go and tell someone that I could read (I was four) and I would read the whole book out loud; I even knew when to turn the pages! But that was the only book I could read, because I wasn't really reading. after I got busted, my sister started reading to me, but she would make me sit next to her. She would guide her finger underneath each word as she said it, and I watched. That's how I learned to read. Sorry, I digress...
Five books that mean a lot to me: This was a toughie.
Black Feminist Thought by Patricia Hill Collins - every Black woman in the world should own a copy of this book. I am biased; she was my professor in college. But she has most of it figured out, it is kind of amazing.
Like Water for Chocolate by Laura Esquivel - One of my all-time favorite love stories. and it has recipes in it that actually coincide with the story!
Sula by Toni Morrison - for some reason, I can relate to this story a lot; with the title character in particular. Can't explain unless you've read it.
Oh, The Places You'll Go! by Dr. Seuss - Someone gave me that book as a graduation present, and the story is still one I keep in my head as I travel through, especially with the path I have chosen.
The Bible - I don't read it as much as I should, but it has some great stories in it from a literary perspective. My favorite book is Song of Solomon; if you ever wondered how God felt about love and sex, you should check it out. It is very poetic.
Books I'm looking forward to being consumed:The Babylon Sisters by Pearl Cleage - I've always been a big fan of her writing.
Memoirs of a Geisha - someone has convinced me to give it another chance; the first time I attempted to read it, I was so bored by page 25. If there is one thing I can give a second chance, it is a book.
Books that are underrated: Waiting in Vain by Colin Channer - this man's writing style is better than Calgon at taking you away. And his storytelling abilities are fierce. He can make you love who you are supposed to hate, and hate who you are supposed to love.
Sula by Toni Morrison - I love this book. All of Toni Morrison's novels are so celebrated, but in my opinion, this the best one and it is highly underrated.
Books that are overrated:He's Just Not That Into You - Ok, I am a lot easier on this book since I have actually read it, and it good for those of us that need blatant objectivity to tell us (or remind us) of things we already know. But the whole Oprah-esque craze of it all just ended up making women look stupid and men look like smart, sly foxes they are **wink**. Just my opinion.
Anything from Oprah's book club - to quote a good friend of mine 'I will not run and read a book just because Oprah says it's good - I am a reader, and was before her book club. I can choose my own literature!' Enough said.
Any poetry book written by a non-poet musician - this excludes Jill Scott, because she was a poet first. Ashanti, T-Boz and even Alicia: please, stick to singing. Actually, Ashanti, find a new hustle altogether.
Ok...Thank you Fuego, that was exhausting! ;o) So...jmama, Max, lala...tag, you're it! And I'll be checking your blogs to see if you have done it, so get to it!
The Manual: A Quick Reference Guide
Most guys I know love to put stuff together. It makes them feel manly and useful, I guess. But instead of reading the entire manual to make sure everything is done correctly, most guys eyeball the Table of Contents for the Quick Reference Guide. So I thought it would be useful to put together a Quick Reference Guide to dealing with women.
When approaching any type of relationship with a female, think of her as a bank. When you deposit, you may withdraw. You must deposit at least the minimal amount; no ATM will just give you a dollar cuz that's all you put in. You try to just deposit $1, and we, like the atm, will give you nothing until at least $20 is in.
If you put into savings, not only will you always have it ,but it will that amount plus interest. If you're willing to be patient and wait, you will certainly reap the benefits.
You overdraw, and we will hit you hard with what you cost us plus an extra fee. After too many "bounces", we will close the account.
The more you invest, you more you get in return. But most of these investments are long term; at least the ones with the most to gain from are.
Be wary of the bank you choose; some are just out to take your money and run!
Hope that helps, fellas. Stay tuned for the publication of the Manual!
Forward March...Past My Inbox, Please
I HATE FORWARDS.
I really do. I would say that out of the 500 I get a day, maybe two of them are worth reading. I hate when I get them from people I talk to everyday, because I feel like it's one of those things that should just come up in conversation. "
Hey, I got the funniest e-mail the other day..." If it sounds interesting, I'll
request that you forward it to me.
And I should limit people to one forward a day. Sometimes I get four forwards from the same person. I just want to ask them, really? Are you serious? You read all four of these and thought to yourself, man, she would really benefit from reading ALL of these...
And if I haven't talked to you (and when I say talk, I am including personal e-mails with real messages written by YOU) in a while, do not send me forwards. If I don't want my friends to send them that I talk to regularly, you
definitely have not earned the right to send junk to my mailbox!! Can I get a
hi, or
how are you before you send me what somewhat else sent you, that someone else sent her, that someone else sent him? Sorry, but forwards do not count as keeping in touch. If I do not recognize the address of the originator; null and viod. You're still distant.
Here are some tips and things to remember for those of you that are victims of
FF (Frequent Forwarding):if you see more than one FW's in the subject line , delete it.
God will not hate you if you don't send a Seven Minute Prayer to 80 of your friends. Jesus, Mary and Joseph never used a computer to pray, so you don't have to either.
Chain letters through e-mail are a load of bull dookey. I got one that said it had been passed on since the 1800's - because, you know, everyone checked their e-mails in between duels and croquet matches. WTF?!?!?!
You will not die a horrible and untimely death for not forwarding an e-mail to 97 of your friends.
You will not be a spinster for the rest of your life for not forwarding an e-mail.
You will not get pricked by an HIV-infected needle from a movie theatre seat or by sticking your finger in a coin-return slot of a payphone.
They are not recalling your deodorant or hair products because they cause cancer.
"Hey, instead of spreading this important news through CNN or some other news-worthy outlet, let's just send it to some random person and ask them to forward it!" You will not receive a gift certificate to your favorite restaurant by simply forwarding e-mails about it. That's just common sense, people.
Bill Gates is not ever, ever, EVER going to give you any of his money for forwarding e-mails about Microsoft.
If you receive an e-mail with "This really works!" in the subect line; guess what. It doesn't.
Beware of e-mails with things like this in the title:
" I'm a Brownie""I'm Carrie Bradshaw""I'm a cat""My score was 56"It's a dumb ass test that will tell you absolutely nothing about yourself. And to top it all off, if you don't send it 43 people within 2 minutes of reading it, you will have bad luck for the next 50 years.
And last but not least, if you are victimized by an FF, please do us all a favor, and
let the cycle stop with you. I'm still alive, and if I had let those deleted chain letters decide my fate, I should be have been involved in some traumatic accident like being stomped to death by a goat, not have had sex for the last twenty-five years, and had God banish me to eternal damnation for not spreading his word (complete with a powerpoint presentation) to at least 98 of my internet buddies.
So the next time you feel the need to include my e-mail addresss on your all-inclusive trip to the Land of the Forward list, do me a favor: don't.
Now forward this blog to at least 1,256 of your friends.
When Thugs Cry
"
You said you want a thug, don't be scared now..."
-Young Buck So I've heard that all the good girls want bad boys. Thugs get mad play - they always have a girl! I am a good girl. And I am ashamed to say that I am attracted to thugs.
Not just any thug, though. There are a certain kind that I find myself lusting after. There is a certain type of thug that, if you get the chance to look deep into his eyes, you can see just the tiniest spark of sensitivity. Add to that a I-had-nothing-to-do-in-prison-but-work-out-all-day-every-day body, and I'm gone. It drives me wild.
Why, you ask? Why are good girls attracted to bad boys? I'll break it down for you so that it can forever and consistently be broke. (Guess that movie!)
Most women have a natural sense of sensitivity and caring - however small this instinct is, I do believe we all have it. In the same manner a man feels that every woman that makes him hard is a conquest, some women feel that a thug is the Ultimate Challenge. When women see a thug showing any signs of sensitivity, she instantly goes into conquest mode. She will see him and think to herself,
I wonder if I can tame him. I wonder if I can be the one to make him feel things. I wonder if I can break that hard exterior. I don't care what anyone says, most women would feel triumphant in having been the one that made Mr. Hard Ass turn soft and fall in love. With
her. Why do you think women love to see men cry?
Of course, once she has him, the problems begin. And you try to ignore them, because even though he consistently proves to you that he is, indeed, still a thug, you resist this notion because, hey, he fell in
love with you. Your grilfriends are telling you that you need to get rid of his triflin ass, and that you are stupid to be putting up with his shit. You ignore them. He may not have been serious about those other hoes, but
you are the one that took his heart.
To be fair, that may be true. He might like you; might even love you. But here is a newsflash:
Men can change. But it is null and void unless they do it on their own. Women think it is their job to mold and change these men, but guess what? If you see a damaged shirt on the rack for full price, are you going to buy it anyway because you think you can repair it? Even if it is half-off, if you end up not being able to fix it, you have still wasted your money! And don't you think you can hold out untill pay day to buy a brand new shirt?
It seems ridiculous and doggish when it is explained to us that men love the thrill of the chase when it comes to dating, and once they have "conquered" you, they lose interest.
The same thing happens when you try to turn a thug into the man of your dreams. Only difference is, he is
still the one losing interest. Trust and believe that while you were conquering him, he was conquering you too. Add to this equation all of his thuggish baggage that will inevitably become yours too.
Seems like a little too much work for one girl, doesn't it?
So everytime I see a thug in a video, all muscle-y, with his top lip curled up and a single tear rolling down his face like he's trying SO hard not to cry, and I feel my panties getting wet...I just change the channel.
I'm a good girl, you see, and I want...need...
deserve a good guy. With real sensitivity. And I won't settle for damaged goods.
Ahead of Time
Arrested Development...Tribe Called Quest...Digable Planets...
Musically speaking, these people, in my book, were not as successful as they could have been because they were ahead of their time. Their sound and style is being emulated by tons of artists today. But back then, people just weren't ready for them.
Lately, I have been feeling frustrated and stressed out over decisions that I am being forced to make - about my life, my career, etc. Most people tell me I'm young, I have plenty of time so there is nothing to be stressed about.
Of course this goes in one ear and out the other. My response: they have no idea what's going on in my head. The thoughts that are swimming, often racing, through my mind about 70 different topics per minute, each with it's own worry attatched to it. It's given me a two-year headache.
I was sharing these woes with a friend and mentor of mine, and she said something turned a light on in my dim and foggy mind. She said that the reason I was so frustrated was because
I was ahead of my time, and before I know it, I will catch up with myself and everything will be fine.
Hmmmm......
This makes so much sense to me. I'm not sure they realize this, but people will tell me that I am SO mature for my age, and in the same breath tell me to quit worrying and stressing out about my life; I'm young and I have PLENTY of time.
My mature mind doesn't see all of this
time, as most physically mature minds don't.
I have an old soul; my grandmother used to tease me and say I was 5 going on 35, or seven going 37.
And I feel like I'm 25 going on...???
The problem is, my soul and being has a mature spirit, but my mind still often processes things as a 25 year old - I feel older, and cannot properly portray that in my life as a whole, because I am not, in fact,
older. Enter the frustration.
People see me as a 25 year old and
feel me as much older...and often don't know what to do with it. This is especially inhibiting in my career as well as relationships. Enter the stress.
And I am running, running, running, even faster now, to try and catch up with myself. I feel like a female version of Maniac Magee.
And I am tired.
One day my soul and my being will catch up with myself, and I will be at peace.
That is, if 'myself' ever stops running.
If not, then I will forever be in Arrested Development, searching for Digable Planets. Maybe I'll join a Tribe called Faith, throw caution to he wind, and just Be.
Hot Fries and Capri Suns
The other day I found myself thinking about how I perceived life when I was in high school. I remember having so much fun! I had, like, four
best friends (
the girls who you actually saw and/or spoke to on the weekend, your parents knew them, and they knew all of your good gossip FIRST), about eight
friends (
you hang with them every once in a while outside of school, your parents know their faces but may not remember their names, and they get the watered down version of the good gossip, after it has been properly filtered by the BF's), and a gang of
associates (
the girls that you spoke to if you passed them in the hallway, and most likely was connected to you by association - i.e. an associate could possibly be one of your friend's friends. Make sense?) At the time, this was simply logical. If you had these numbers down to a science, you could easily be considered (dare I say it)
popular. The bus ride to from school was when all the action happened. People laughing loud, gossiping, singing to Walkmans, and undoubtedly, someone had set up concessions in the back right out of their bookbag. And you always were in the middle of the excitement, complete with a bag of Hot Fries and a Pacific Cooler Capri Sun.
And then there were the boys.
High school was the last time I remember myself and every one of my friends having pretty much the same taste in guys. Not to the extent of us all liking the same guy (there was an unspoken code about that) , but we knew if we unveiled a crush, none of our friends would say "ugh, you think
he's cute??"
I wish I had the ability to just have a "crush" on a man now, and then plan (with my girlfriends help, of course) how it would all work out. We had a system. You develop a crush, and immediately, a code name must be assigned to him (by you and one of you BF's) so that you may discuss him at anytime without random people knowing who you like. Then, you felt it out, and put your friends on the case:
Me: When I answered that question in class, was he looking at me?
He left the cafeteria right as I was walking in; do you think he was avoiding me?
He brushed my shoulder when he walked pass me and said excuse me, so he must like me too, right?
Alicia's best friend's cousin knows his best friend, and she said that he said that he liked girls with big butts - my butt is big enough, right?
BF:Girl, I could've sworn I saw him staring at you on the bus this morning!
Remember when you dropped your pencil, and you both picked up the pencil at the same time? His finger lingered on yours for a long time!
This went on for several weeks. It seems childish, but not for nothing, it gave me a reason to get up in the morning. I was happy all the time because I saw him often, and when I didn't see him, I was thinking about seeing him. I was perfectly happy with him just saying hello and smiling at me; it could be weeks before he said one word to me! I wanted to always look my best if there was a slight chance I would see him. And if it didn't work out, all of your friends (all three classifications) were there to wipe your tears and find you a new crush.
I miss that.
In Adulthood, if you see somebody that sparks your interest, almost immediately you say or do something or he says or does something to get the conversation going. No mystery or time to daydream about what he would say if he were to talk to you. From there, everything is fast-forward untill the crash. Now all of a sudden, you have to alone with this man at some point, and your friends might not be right around the corner. You don't know anything about him, because there is no friend of a friend of a cousin or anything like that to get his bio from - for all you know, he could be a murderer. Then the Sex stuff takes over the entire intro, which you rarely had to worry about then because you weren't "fast" and eeewww, you swore you would
never put your
mouth on that!
So the new game begins.
Why hasn't he called me? You find yourself asking four days after the first date. You have forgotten what his face really looks like. In high school, by the time you got to the date part, he already knew a lot about you, especially if you had class together. You could easily find out from one of your many connections how he really felt about you.
Now you have added to your worries (thank you, Society) the notion that you probably "gave it up" too quickly and now he doesn't respect you, so he can't be your boyfriend now, but maybe he could still be useful, because it really wasn't half-bad...it's better than nothing...
And to think, there was a time you thought he would act shady if you didn't give him an end-of-the-night kiss.
So then you heard from your best friend's friend's cousin that he said he was going to dump you (Keep in mind, in high school, you didn't actually have to
be together for you or him to get dumped). Life, as you knew it, was OVER! You were all the D's - depressed, devastated, down and out, and done with boys. Down drops the big mirror from the sky to show you everything about yourself that he must have hated, because why else would he have done this to you? You call an emergency BF&F Meeting and pull out all the stops. A slumber party, complete with popcorn, ice cream, a yearbook and a Sharpie (for mustaching his picture), lots of candy and a two-liter soda, music videos to sing along to (you automatically get dibs on the sad songs), and tissue for when you remember why you called the meeting in the first place. By the next day, you have already decided that he is a total A-hole, and you are now convinced (with the help of the BF&F Club) that you are too good for him - on to the next!
Somewhere between Then and Now, the logic has gotten lost. You're not nearly as excited to get up and go to work as you were to go to school. Instead of trying to look your best, you put on whatever you think won't make you look fat. You see, the good thing about a crush was that when you realized it was over, you only looked far enough into the future to see what would happen when you saw him in class on Monday. When it's over now, you look far into the future with pessimism and fear, because when you're grown, it ain't so easy to be 'on to the next'. Cuz you don't know when the next is...or if there will even be a next. There is no hallway to peruse for good men and hardly ever any best friend's cousin to get to scoop on him from. You are out there on your own.
What I would give to be back in high school. I reminisce about good times on the bus and in the hallway by the lockers. I find myself smiling as I write this.
And I'm craving a bag of Hot Fries and a Capri Sun.
Remote Control
I have decided that lately I have been watching entirely too much television.
It is almost a borderline addiction. Soon after getting the "good" cable (800 channels complete with On Demand features), my best friend used to tease me when I would try to slyly get out of a phone call.
"Oh, you're going to chill with your new best friend, Cable. I see how it is!"
It was like that. I was hooked. I messed around and got a DVR box to record everything I wanted to watch while I was away from the tv (or the channel, in some instances), because believe it or not, everything wasn't available On Demand. I'm not sure of the exact moment I became addicted. I hardly ever watched tv in college. Now I spend at least four to six hours a day in front of the television. I find myself silencing my phone when I'm watching a good program, and deciding to just "stay in" when my friends call to invite me out.
I had to get to the bottom of this.
So I decided, on a Sunday afternoon, that I would try to go a full day without watching television.
I was miserable.
I tried to read a book, but my mind kept wandering...from what I was going to wear the next day to what I was doing with my life...then it would race to which bills I had paid... to which bills I had not paid... to who had called last, me or him... to do I need anything from the store?... to wishing I had some ice cream... to wishing all of this bullshit with my father would blow over...to wondering when was the last time I called my sister...to what the fu*# happened in London?... to what is my purpose on this earth????
And I couldn't even change the channel when I didn't like what was on in my brain.
Too much reality for a Sunday afternoon.
So I went back to my Escape. click. Other Reality. click. Someone Else's Reality. click. False Reality. click. Anything But My Reality. click. RealityTV?....click.
I realized why I watch so much television. Mindless entertainment totally transports me out of my world and into one where the problems aren't mine, if there are any.
If I don't like them, I have the Remote Control.
Any phone call or silent moment would be like a little suction tunnel, swiftly sucking me back into my real life.
It's not so bad, really. When I have other things to focus on, such as work and actually being with friends, it's not that bad. But at the end of the day, I always have to watch a little television, even if it is right before I go to bed. I keep it on while I sleep.
So I can dream about someone else's life and not be plagued in my sleep about my own.
Things I've Learned at 25
So my birthday just passed (Friday, July 8th) and I am now 25 years old - YAY! (I guess.) I was reflecting yesterday and came up with a list in my head of all the important things I have learned up to this point in my life. I have learned that:
Keeping strong faith is an effort.
All adults are not neccessarily mature.
Most 25 year olds are not as mature as me. ;o)
Watching too much television may not rot your brain, but it can give you an affected view of life.
I express myself better when I write.
I hate talking on the phone for longer than ten minutes.
Silence forces you to think; pay attention to people who always have to have noise around them.
I am one of the afore mentioned people!
My mother and I can learn a lot from one another.
The same things that made me happy as a child still make me happy now.
I now know who my real friends are.
you don't have to be just like your friends; celebrating differences isn't just cultural.
everyone doesn't have to like me in order for me to succeed.
to observe behavior rather than to take one's word for it. ("I'm such a a nice person, I don't understand...")
To watch and observe love in action; it makes you feel optimistic. (any love; mother-daughter, brother-sister, friend-friend, etc.)
you must always say what you mean and mean what you say.
Every word that comes from your mouth, you are the first hear.
Reading not only makes you smarter, but it fuels the imagination.
Laughter is like internal jogging; it is good for the soul and it burns calories!
About ME
This post was inspired by a dear friend who once said..."Happily Ever After is too easy..."
So here are some things to know about ME:I am taller than I appear. (
it's like people see me through a car mirror)My hair describes me better than words ever could.
I am always sadder than I look.
But overall, I am extremely bubbly.
People often mistake my optimism for naivete'.
That being said, I am not as naive as I seem.
I love a good story - told, written, or televised.
I hate watching the news. It always makes me think we are near the end of the world. Don't ask me why.
My favorite sense: taste
I hate concerts.
I am very outgoing, but incidently, hate being in big crowds of people. (
that should explain the concert thing, and includes most clubs and sporting events).
I love to listen to music, no matter what I'm doing. It makes me feel like I have a soundtrack for life.
I talk to myself. Often.
I am smarter than people think I am.
I am smarter than I think I am most of the time.
I love sex; everything about it. Before, during, after, talking about it, thinking about it, singing about it...thinking about it...
doing it.I love it when someone writes on my back with their fingers.
A friend of mine once froze my pet parakeet to death while petsitting. She cried about. I cried too, but not over the bird. But because she felt so bad about killing it.
I am more sensitive than any person over the age of 10 should ever be.
I hear everything I say before I say it.
I care about what other people think of me.
I am nice.
I am generous.
Pride is my biggest tragic flaw.
I have a very keen sense of smell.
I am happiest when I am full.
I am saddest when I am silent.
I am happy with my body.
ok, I'm content with my body.
I want to do too much most of the time.
and I feel I never do enough.
I am rarely honest about when my feelings are truly hurt, because I feel they don't have the right to be.
I'm a good listener.
I am a firm believer in the theory that boyfriends may come and go, but friendships should last forever.
That being said, I love my friends.
I love my family.
I wish I was (physically) closer to my family.
I am getting to be more and more like my mother every day...and it ain't so bad.
I can tell when I am emotionally hurt much quicker than I tell when I am physically hurt. I once walked around for a whole day without realizing that I had a huge gash in my right thigh; I only noticed when the blood started to drip on the floor. But before someone even opens their mouth, I can tell if they are about to say something that will hurt me.
I love to travel, but haven't really been anywhere.
My First Love
I had the most disturbing dream last night. I dreamed that my father was my boyfriend. We were visiting my grandparents in Alabama, and we were having problems. Fighting and stuff. When I woke up, I was kind of freaked out. What the hell was wrong with me? I felt so disturbed....
But then it all made sense. My father was the first man in my life.
They say the first man a girl ever falls in love with is her father.
And if there are problems then, there are problems sure to come.
My father and I don't have the best relationship. Frankly, my father and I don't have a relationship. And I never realized untill last night how much it has affected me and the way I date. Every man that has come into my life since I started dating I can, in some way, relate to my father. It was ironically funny to me that in my dream, the reason we were fighting was because he didn't pay me any attention. It seemed like he'd rather be doing anything else, as long as it didn't involve me.
The feelings were so familiar. I would look at him and wonder, what is it about me that makes you afraid to truly know me? Why do you feel it is such a burden to spend time with me?
How can you not want to know me?!?!? And...why am I still attatched to someone that doesn't give a damn about me? Why do I keep loving you no matter how much you hurt me?
Sound familiar?
My father/boyfriend/man in my dream had no real distinction in the dream the more I think back on it. I thought I was disturbed because of the fact that I just dreamed that my
father was my
boyfriend.
But could it be that I was disturbed by the similarities?
They both try to act like nothing is wrong after they have wronged me.
And they both always come back and try to make amends, even though I know the mending is temporary and they will only hurt me again in a while.
The only difference is...deep down in my heart, I know that even when the others don't, my father deserves a second chance...and a third...and a fourth....and a fifth...
You can always go out and get another boyfriend. You won't ever get a chance to get another father.
Daddy, you're an asshole...and I love you.
I'd Rather Be Having Sex...
Bet you thought that was what this entry would be about, huh? HA! Gotcha. I am bored out of my mind at this new job. This is what is plagueing (sp?) my thoughts today.
Do you ever find that get lonely at the oddest times?
Like today for instance. I went to take my lunch break, and window shopped around a bit before I got my food. I stopped at a cafe' and grabbed a sandwich, and decided, I am not going back to work to eat at my desk. (Working people know better; eating at your desk reads "I'm still working, I'm just eating while I do it". When I take a lunch
break, thats exactly what I do - break!) So I thought it would really cosmopolitan to eat at a table by the window, and watch the people walk by.
Not so much.
I didn't really enjoy my lunch, because instead of watching people walk by outside, I watched people meet other people for lunch. They held tables while the others got their food, sat down and dished about the weekend. I found myself rushing to finish my food so that I could hurry up and get out of there.
It was a lonely lunch break.
Here are some other times I find myself feeling lonely.
On the subway. (
knowing I'm going home to an empty house probably.)
At the ice cream shop. (
it's just not as much to splurge when do it by yourself)
In my kitchen. (
Food is fellowship; it is no fun cooking for one. Besides, I hate left-overs.)
At my desk.
(i hate when people don't stop and talk to me!)
When hours have passed and my cell phone doesn't ring. (
Who would've thought, back in 97 when everybody didn't have one and no one got calls when they weren't home??)
In my bed at night. (
nothing worse than being warmed by your own body heat.)
Checking my e-mail at home. (
don't you hate people who only check their e-mail once every three days? Doubt they're lonely.)
when I'm talking to my mom on the phone. (
She sends strong "I miss you" vibes, even when she doesn't actually say it.)
Here are some strange times when I
don't feel lonely:
when I'm reading a book. (
reading about people puts me in their world, you know?)
when I'm on the toilet. (
can't explain that one - sorry.)
when I'm watching a good program on tv. (
same effect as the book, only more instant gratification.)
when I have had at least one hug that day. (
I know how to make them last!)
when I think about having sex. (
Takes two to tango...see, I managed to tie it in!)
hmmmm...I have now become too distracted to complete this entry...
Why?
Why is that when my boss comes over to my desk and sees me on the phone, she asks "Are you on the phone?"
Why is that when I think I'm meeting the guy of my dreams, I'm really meeting someone's wonderful boyfriend/husband?
Why is it that when a guy thinks I'm the woman of his dreams, and he's wonderful, I realize that I am not attracted to him at all?
If a teacher can teach, and a singer can sing, then why can't a finger fing? :o)
Why can't I raise my right foot and move it clockwise in a circle and draw the number 6 in the air at the same time without my foot switching directions?
Why do I freak out when I realize I left my cell phone at home, only to go home 8 hours later to no missed calls?
Why do people leave ten minute phone messages? Save some for when I call you back?
Why does the media think we give a shit about Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes?
Why does Alicia Keys get more praise than India.Arie or Jill Scott?
Why do people think that if you can speak, you can do spoken word?
Why can I not brush my teeth without being exposed to harmful bacteria in New York city?
Why do I pay the equivalent to a mortgage on a small house in the South for an apartment the size of a closet?
What is Scientology and I am the only who thinks it's weird that mostly stars are into it?
Why do I have this much free time at my job???
