SoulSurvivor

A Recovering Yes Girl

Hello...my name is DramaQueen...and I'm a Recovering Yes Girl.

Yes was my favorite word. It it always associated with positivity. Yes; affirmative. No; negative. What a crock of doody.

Hey DQ, can you meet me here? Can you do this for me? Can I talk to you about this? Do you have a minute, I just need you to...BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH.

And my answer was always some form of yes: sure; no problem; ok; yeah; of course...and so on and so forth. Before I knew it, I was giving people all of me, and saving none for myself. All my time, all my energy, everything. All because I was afraid to say no.

Now when I use the term afraid, I don't mean literally scared something bad would happen to me. I was scared that people wouldn't need me for anything. If I say no, that means that I can't be depended on. That I am not a reliable person. And, oh God forbid, what if no one likes me???

So I felt in order to be liked and respected, I had to always be available. Never mind that I needed some of that time for myself; I had to be there for everybody else. Never mind that I was tired and burnt out; I had to muster up some energy to do something for someone else.

Thank God I have recovered.

My head starts to hurt as I think of all the things I said yes to and didn't want to: agreeing to a job that I know no one else wanted to do because it was so tedious and inconvenient, letting him proceed condomless "in the heat of the moment", countless long-term houseguests, too many five minute bar conversations that went on five minutes too long...the list is endless.

I read an article once by one of my favorite authors on this very subject. She too was a recovering yes woman. She said she took many steps to recover, and part of it was asking herself a few questions before saying yes:

What am I being asked to do?
Who is making the request?
Who will benefit from this activity?
What do I want to do?
What will happen if I say no?
What will happen if I say yes?

I can tell you which was, and sometimes still is the hardest one for me: What do I want to do? The answer is often so clouded by people-pleasing influences; old habits are hard to break. I guess learning to say no is truly a process. I am recovering, but I slide from time to time. But I think one cannot truly be happy unless they do what they want to do, not what other people want them to.

Now I can better understand why it is so hard for teenagers to Just Say No - although for me, it seemed to be a whole lot easier then than it is now.

posted by DramaQueen @ 4:20 AM 2 comments

When I am gone, what will they say?

Those are lyrics to a song that I sang at my great-grandmother's funeral. I also sang it at my friend and sorority sister's wake. Here is the complete chorus:

When I am gone, what will they say, when I am gone
Will I leave behind a witness that will carry on
Will all the works and deeds that I have done quickly fade into the past
Lord, let your fire burn steadfast
When I am gone

I was thinking about this the other day; how will people react when I am gone? Or rather, what people think of me? Will they remember how big my heart was, or will they remember how overly sensitive I was? Will they wonder why I died single, or wonder just how significant my other was?

I don't know why, but I think of this often. I am no stranger to death - I have had someone close to me (not including family) die every other year of my life, starting when I was only four years old and my little best friend died of complications from sickle cell, to my junior year in college when I had finally decided to give this brotha some play only to see his face all over the news because the Cincinnati police had choked him to death.

Every other year like clockwork. I almost came to expect death, unlike most people who secretly think that they and their surrounding association are immortal.

I remember thinking the most random things about them. How my great-grandmother was always so happy to see me, but never even knew my name when I visited her in the nursing home.

Or how when I was in high school, the one girl who hated me the most had finally decided that it was more worth it to be my friend. She loved to play in my hair, and one day she put a beautiful French braid in it. I was still wearing that braid later that night when I saw on the news that she had been caught in a crossfire and shot to death. I didn't take that braid out for days. I never remembered her for how smart she was, only how she never really had a reason to hate me in the first place.

What I remember most about my friend Tim is how we were Pictionary champions for an entire summer - 20 to 0; we were undefeated. I would draw a stick figure with a fist in the air, and he would yell out "Nelson Mandela!" and we would win the game.

I don't remember the great things that people did. So will people remember random, quirky things about me? Will my one drama professor remember how much we used to butt heads? Will my ex remember how much I cried when he dumped me?

You can do al the great things in the world, but I have resolved to believe that the one thing you wil be remembered for, in every situation, is being you. Whatever you were at that moment in time in your life, THAT is what you'll remembered for. At least that's what I think.

When I am gone, what will they say...

posted by DramaQueen @ 3:21 AM 3 comments

Shopping for God

Since I've moved, I have been shopping for a new church home. I haven't had one since I moved from Atlanta, so since then, I've been popping in here and there to holla at God in His house. I've gone to a few churches, and have always found a reason not to go back, wether it was too boring, too far, the service was too long, etc.

The last one I visited was close to home, and the service had to have been on a silent timer, it was so short...but long enough to get the message, you know? The music was ok, and there were projector screens for those in the balcony that couldn't see the stage, complete with descriptions at the bottom of the screen of exactly what part of the program they were at.

All of this was well and good until we got closer to the end of the service. The sermon was on preparing yourself to receive help from the Lord. He then asked if anyone in the congregation would like to open themselves up to "receive their help". I was moved by the message in the afore mentioned sermon, and this sounded like a routine altar call for prayer, so I decided to go down; prayer is powerful in numbers, you know. I went down front, and the congregation started applauding. A woman took me by the arm, and gently led me to a room in the back of the church. I was a little puzzled, but then figured that maybe they like to pray with the person individually with more privacy. So I willingly followed her.

We went into a little room, where other people were being prayed in various spots in the room. The lady sat down across from me and asked what I would like to pray about. I gave her a vague description of some things I was going through, and she began to pray over me. After the prayer was over, she grabbed a clipboard with about four forms on it and a pen and handed it to me. She started talking about New Member classes and things like that. I stopped her in mid-sentence:

Me: I'm sorry, I think there has been a little misunderstanding. This is my first time visiting this church, I'm not ready to join.
Her: Did you not know why you were coming down to the altar?
Me: well, I thought I was just coming down for prayer...
Her: okaaayyy...well, I appreciate your honesty. However, in the future, just know that we usually do individua prayer requests at the end of the service so as not to hold everyone else up.
Me: Ok...I'm really sorry...I just wanted prayer, and it was unclear to me that this was a cal for membership...
Her: yeah...it's alright...when you go back into the sanctuary, be sure to go along the side wall instead of back through the aisle.

As I walking back to my seat, I felt so...I don't know, irritated, confused, and a little put off. She wasn't outwardly rude, but she was curt. And to me, people shouldn't be acting like that in church! So I made a mistake, what was the big deal? I should have paid closer attention to the fact that only two other people went down for prayer. Then, at the end of the service, the pastor was informing the congregation about one of the members passing away. He said that the church would be "funeralizing" him on the following Wednesday. Funeralizing???? I have never heard of it put that way before, and it just did not sound right to me.

So that was my church experience. I may or not give it a second chance, I haven't decided yet. I'm not even sure of what I'm looking for in a church home. I'll just have to have faith that I will be led to the right place of worship.

This is one time that I don't mind paying full price for good quality. Time to max out my spiritual credit cards! Praise God!

posted by DramaQueen @ 1:21 PM 4 comments

It's Meme Time!

Ok, so this meme got passed on to me by my best friend, and she knows I love these.

By the way, how do you pronounce 'meme'?

Anyway, here it is:

Ten years ago: It was 1995; probably the best year of my high school life. I had my first boyfriend, and he treated me like a queen. We didn't go out much, cuz he was always grounded! That was also the year my mother finally allowed me to wear acrylic tips on my nails, and I got them airbrushed! I was in three shows, and leads in all of them. However, my self-esteem was at it's lowest, so it is only now that I am able to see what a great time I had.

Five years ago: It was 2000 and I was in my sophomore year in college. I had my first apartment that year, and I loved it. My circle of friends had been established. I wrote my first one-woman show this year and performed it in a small classroom. It was packed!

One year ago: I had just started doing voice-overs, and was bartending. Next month, a year ago, I was on All My Children.

Five snacks:
-Golden Oreos (they are addictive)
-tortilla chips and salsa (I keep some in my house at all times; you never know when you'll have company!)
-brownies (Don't even have to be homemade)
-Reese Cup's FASTBREAK candy bars (ditto, Kell, these are the BEST)
-cookie dough (slightly melted in the microwave - mmmmm...)

Five songs I know all the words to:
- "Ice, Ice Baby" by Vanilla Ice
- "Bonita Applebum" by Tribe Called Quest
- "A Long Walk" by Jill Scott
- "Tell Me" by Groove Theory
- just about every television theme song between the 80's and the early 90's

Five things I would do with $100 million:
- pay off all of my debt - HALLELUJAH!!!
- give money to my family and some of my friends.
- travel and take a real vacation
- buy a brownstone and trick it out.
- buy a lot of gadgets, music, books, clothes, and shoes.

Five places to run away to:
-My bedroom
- my house in ATL
- my Grandma's farm
- a terrace overlooking something nice (just not water)
- Cincinnati (that is where all my friends are, and it was my home for 4 years)

Five things I would never wear:
-biking shorts
-anything yellow
-a bikini
-rollers in public (pet peeve)
-a fur coat

Five favorite TV Shows:
-A Different World
-Living Single
-Big Brother 6
-The Cosby Show
-Thirty-minute meals with Rachel Ray

Five biggest joys:
-feedback on my blog!
-cooking while listening to my music on blast
-a great love story
-being pampered
-SEX (last but certainly not least)

Five favorite toys:
-my blender (for cooking, folks)
-my iPod
-my laptop
-my DVR box
-my ((ahem)) toys that are NOT for cooking. ;o)

Five people to pass this on to:
Fuego
Max
B-Nice
Ex-Factor
JMama

Ok, you've been tagged people! Let's get to it!

posted by DramaQueen @ 2:34 AM 4 comments

Link This

Ok, ths is a stupid blog, but I don't care. I finally learned how to link other people's blog on my blog page! It took me weeks to do this, and finally someone explained it so that I had pictures to look at in instructions I can follow (good looking, Max!) yay!

Sorry, that's it. I'm hella tired, and no one interesting came into my bar tonight. :o(

Feel free to drop some topics on me - I have a slight case of writer's block.

I always reserve the right to completely ignore your suggestion, but send them anyway! What's on your mind that I could possibly (and humbly) shed some light on for you??

Holla.

posted by DramaQueen @ 3:31 AM 1 comments

My White in Shining Armor (SE2)

So I was at work the other night (I'm a bartender) and this guy came in by himself. As you know, it is not unusual for a guy to come into a bar by himself. But this guy had dinner and everything. Something was up.

Being the great bartender that I am, I started to make conversation with him. He was a nice enough guy: about late thirties-early forties, still had all of his hair, moderately dressed, carrying a bookbag (it just looked weird for someone his age to be toting a bookbag) and he was white. He was just an average guy, no attraction from my side. Just painting a picture.

So, he started telling me about his job (he was a jeweler, like, a real one) and showed me some his stuff (hence the bookbag). Eventually, he began talking about this chick he was dating and this chick he was still in love with. In case you didn't know, I am a self-proclaimed Relationship Specialist (for anyone except myself) and offered my humble advice. He was eating it up; we talked for a couple of hours. For every half hour, there were at least three glasses of wine consumed by this guy. Keep that in mind. Needless to say, the conversation took a drastic turn, and before I could pour his seventh glass of wine, he started hitting on me. But it wasn't the usual hitting on me. It kind of went something like this:

Him: You know, there is something about you...
Me: Mmmm-hmmmm...
Him: No really...you are a special person...
Me: Thank you.
Him: You have a way about you.
Me: Okayyyy...
Him: You are very sexy...do you know what it is about you that is so sexy?
Me: Do you want a list or something?
Him: (ignoring my sarcasm with a pensive look on his face) I can't put my finger on it, but I am so attracted to you...I just feel that...that...you are an amazing person.
Me: Um, thanks.
Him: Do you want to go out with me on Sunday?
Me: Not especially...I don't think that is a good idea.
Him: I know I don't know you, but I just think that any man would be lucky to spend time with you.
Me: **speechless**

Now, I left out some things, but that was pretty much how the conversation went. I ommittted the drunken redundancy, but I still felt...flattered. Even though I knew this man was drunk, I still entertained his come-ons. I have never been hit on like that. Yes, I was sexy to him (God, please don't let that comment have come from him wearing drunk goggles!) but he also told me that I was special and amazing. He told me, after I rejected him (repeatedly) that any man would be lucky to spend time with me. Wow. I should have been disgusted and put-off, but I have to say, I was actually flattered.

Did I miss something? Whatever happened to the usual "you look good" and "ooh, you have the sexiest lips" and shit like that? This guy was repeatedly telling me things that I always longed to hear from a man, and it actually was not making me uncomfortable. Now, I can count on one hand how many times I have been approached by a man of the Caucasian Persuasion, so that could have been the difference; I really don't know.

Am I a fool for being so easily wooed or have I finally, finally learned how to take a compliment?

During the whole conversation, for the first time in a long time, I didn't doubt the validity of what he was saying about me. I never wondered what his true motives where, or whether or not he was lying to me when he was saying all of those wonderful things.



All I know is, the next time he comes into my bar, Dirtbag or not, his first drink is on me.

posted by DramaQueen @ 3:05 AM 2 comments

Matchmaker - SEI 102

I went to church this past Sunday and got wind that the Reverend of the church was young, handsome, and single. Immediately my mind went, which one of my friends could I tell about him? Who needs a nice preacher man?

I was at an audition this week, and ran into this guy that I see all the time at my auditions. He is adorable, with a great, charismatic personality. He ended up leaving before I did, and I sat there thinking how nice he was and how great he must be with his girlfriend. Then I thought, maybe he doesn't have a girlfriend - my friend So and So would probably hit it off with him wonderfully.

Why is it that everytime I meet a great man, I alwyas want to hook him up with my friends?

A friend and mentor of mine brought this up to me one day, and it really made me think. I never really think of myself as an option unless he overtly hits on me. Why??? I love my friends and want nothing for them but happiness, but why not look out for my own first?

**turning on analytical mind**

Maybe deep down, I, for some odd reason, don't think I am worthy of anything less than a complete dirtbag who doesn't respect me. But I am confident, and I think I'm fly, remember?

Just not fly enough for an equally fly man. Hmph. And I thought I was making progress.

I know the rules of Life, or one of them anyway: once you become aware of the problem, you are from that point forward held accountable for it. That is why I called this entry Matchmaker - Self Image Issues 102 (the last entry was the Intro class). The next time I see a fly man with great qualities, even if I don't actually do anything, I will not, I repeat, WILL NOT rule myself out as a possibility.

I mean, I don't have to worry about some chick taking my man; I'm giving them away by the dozens!

Not anymore. Today is the day that I proclaim that the phrase "out of my league" is out of my league...you feel me?

Class dismissed.

posted by DramaQueen @ 3:33 AM 2 comments

Not Worth The Weight

I just recently moved, and of course as I was packing up all of my things, I came across some of my old journals from my teenage years. I took a break from packing and sat down to read a few passages. Some of them were hilarious; I couldn't hold in a chuckle reading about how my life was over because Billy NoGood didn't look at me in the lunchroom that day. And I could write for pages on how he looked in one class alone!

As I continued to read, however, I got very sad. I noticed how every time someone didn't like me, that I immediately started to blame myself. I would read pages on how I should start wearing make-up so So and So would notice me. I really hated the stuff, but that was probably what he wanted from a girl - he clearly didn't want me the way I was. I read about how I would start a new diet and start counting calories, because I was getting way too fat (mind you, I was about fourteen years old at the time this particular journal was written, and about twenty pounds lighter than I am now) and I would go into detail about how my thighs were so jiggly and my butt too big and my stomach stuck out and my hair was never right and my face was so ugly and so on and so forth. There were pages dedicated to helping me stick to my "diet" (which was basically just eat salad all the time) and they read something like this:

Look at your hips! Look at your thighs! Do you want guys to like you? Guys don't like fat girls! You must stay on your diet! Don't you want to look good in your clothes? Then you have to stay on your diet! No exceptions Fatty!

Every page after that read similar to this passage. I would write about the day, and then write myself another reminder of horrible I was and why no one wanted me. As I turned each page, I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes and threatening to fall. I desperately needed to finish packing, but I needed to take a moment and mourn the death of my fourteen year old self. At fourteen, I was smart, and beautiful and talented. Yet none of these things ever made it to my journal. Because I had no clue; I had no self-worth. I hated taking pictures, I hated wearing clothes that weren't baggy and too big. My mother would tell me things like, Honey, God gave you those legs, now show them! I thought I was nothing, and treated myself that way. I sat on my bed, losing the struggle to a voracious flow of tears. I couldn't believe my self-esteem had ever been that low. Why in the world should a fourteen year old girl be counting calories?? I should have been eating pizza with my friends and worrying about the consequences later, years later.

After my crying had subsided a bit, I threw the journals in the nearest box. I was able to breathe a sigh of relief. At least I didn't carry it into my adult years. I can honestly say that although I am not completely happy with my body, I'm content enough not to obsess over it the way I did then. For a minute, I thought, well, every girl must go through that and when they become an adult, they realize how important confidence is in your everyday life.

The shocking truth - not everyone realizes this as an adult.

I see adults treating themselves the same way I did when I was a girl, but it is worse, because it's coming from an adult. I was reading a friend of a friend's blog the other day, and she was worried that after losing weight, she wouldn't look good in a dress she had recently bought herself. She did have the courage to post a picture, and she looked fabulous. Not because she was a size 2, but because in the picture, if there was any doubt in her mind that she didn't look good in that dress, I couldn't tell. She looked fierce! Her smile said, look at me, I'm beautiful and to hell with you if you don't agree! So when she shared in her blog about her inner struggle, I was shocked. I don't know her very well, but I always thought she was so confident and sure of herself. I never would have thought that she would ever think like that! She has a great job, a wonderful fiance who loves her more than anything, and now a svelte figure to boot. But it truly breaks my heart to know that women, years after the Teen years, are still struggling with their self-esteem.

I will admit, I am not perfect. I have my days when I'm feeling like I'm not in the best shape. But I will never, can NEVER go back to that fourteen year old girl who barely enjoyed her high school experience because her self-esteem was basically in Hell. I want to give my friend of a friend a great big virtual hug, and tell her go on with your bad self, Diva! And I want to encourage all women, especially the ones around me because I have no ugly friends ;o), to big up yourself today! Do it in your blog! Say it aloud! Compliment yourself! Post a picture of you in your flyest dress so that other people can big up you too, because they will recognize the flyness. You deserve it! Do not look back on this time in your life and wonder why you did not think you were fly back then, because you were!

Thank you, TD, for sharing your story and for your inspiration. You are fly to me.

By the way, I really am fly.

If you've never seen me, you can imagine that I'm fly, cuz I am.

posted by DramaQueen @ 4:37 AM 6 comments

Can You Feel It?

First of all, before I get deep, moving is a bitch. Just had to say that. I hope I don't have to do it again until I am rich enough to have people do it all for me; the packing and everything. I am trying to just show up at the house, you know what I'm saying?

Back to the topic at hand. I had a friend text message me today. She told me that she had been getting a weird vibe concerning me and felt that all was not right with me. I immediately thought of all the things going wrong in my life at the present time, and was wowed by her intuition. This a pretty good friend of mine, but by no means are we really close. I mean, I haven't heard from her in about six months, and then she comes with this!

I think I was momentarily blinded by what I like to call Horoscope Syndrome. Whether you believe in that stuff or not, tell me you have never read your horoscope and found a way to make it come true for you. What is that about? If it says that today you will make a big decision concerning your finances, you immediately start thinking...well, I was going to get a hot dog for lunch, but said forget that, I'm having steak and salad! You get me???

Why, when I received that message, didn't I think, well, actually, I have clothes on my back, food in my fridge, and a rof over my head, so hey, I am alright. Sure, I have some things weighing heavy on my mind, but seriously...when have I not?? If my mind were my body, it would be extremely tired and achy by now, probably swollen in most places from over-exertion.

Then my mind began to wander (surprise, surprise) to how I feel about people and how they feel about me. I often make myself believe that the people that are in my life are there because there was something about their spirit that attracted me to them. I believe I can feel people's spirit, which explains why sometimes, no matter how "nice" you are, I still ain't feelin' you. No explanation needed. Do people feel that way about me? Was this friend of mine so intuned with our estranged relationship that she still, from time to time, feels my spirit and when I need to be reached out to? My mother is a pro at it, but of course, she has had years of practice.

Are there people in your life with a presence so strong that you can just feel them?

I can honestly say that all of the people in my life that I am close to (not neccessarily close to me) have something about their spirit that I can speak on if I have to, it is that apparent. After this text message, I wonder if this was true for me to, or was this a classic case of running down the phone numbers in your cell phone and coming across someone you just ain't heard from in a grip. Or worse, that I am just the worse victim of Horoscope Syndrome (even when my horoscope says it is time for Spring Cleaning, I convince myself that something has been telling me to clean my dirty room...) and have once again allowed my feelings and intuition to spiral out of control.

Some people use this logic to explain why they fall in love in three days or have a best friend after five hours of you do what? Me too, girl!!!

At this stage in my life, I want my feelings and intuition to start sharpening and start to filter out some of the bullshit people in my life.

They say people can come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.

Now how do you feel about that?

I feel like scrolling through my phonebook and seeing how everybody is doing.

posted by DramaQueen @ 4:17 AM 1 comments

I Should Have Worn Fishnets...

Ok, so I haven't blogged in a while. To those of you who actually read my blog, I am sorry!
I got a major run in my pantyhose of life. Lucky for me, a run in your pantyhose ain't the end of the world. Hair spray doesn't work, clear nail polish doesn't work, and my run is starting to look more like a highway.

But it's ok. Pretty soon, I'll be able to buy a new pair - nylon ones. More durable. You get me?

I really like to write in metaphors, in case you haven't noticed. ;o)

Seriously, when you hit a snag in life, you may try all kinds of quick fix-ups to cover the snag for the moment. But until you can make a major, valuable change, you won't improve the quality of your life. I learned that the hard way.

Correction - I'm learning that the hard way.

Because when you fix a run in pantyhose, you're not really fixing it, you're just stopping it from "running" some more. So how do you fix the run that is already there?

Turn your pantyhose around, walk forward, and don't worry about what people behind you are saying. Now that is good advice!

**Please say a quick prayer for the people in New Orleans. I can complain on my blog all I want, but it could always be worse.

I've got some great things to discuss, and I've had plenty of time to present them cleverly, so stay tuned...

posted by DramaQueen @ 5:07 AM 3 comments