SoulSurvivor

Not Worth The Weight

I just recently moved, and of course as I was packing up all of my things, I came across some of my old journals from my teenage years. I took a break from packing and sat down to read a few passages. Some of them were hilarious; I couldn't hold in a chuckle reading about how my life was over because Billy NoGood didn't look at me in the lunchroom that day. And I could write for pages on how he looked in one class alone!

As I continued to read, however, I got very sad. I noticed how every time someone didn't like me, that I immediately started to blame myself. I would read pages on how I should start wearing make-up so So and So would notice me. I really hated the stuff, but that was probably what he wanted from a girl - he clearly didn't want me the way I was. I read about how I would start a new diet and start counting calories, because I was getting way too fat (mind you, I was about fourteen years old at the time this particular journal was written, and about twenty pounds lighter than I am now) and I would go into detail about how my thighs were so jiggly and my butt too big and my stomach stuck out and my hair was never right and my face was so ugly and so on and so forth. There were pages dedicated to helping me stick to my "diet" (which was basically just eat salad all the time) and they read something like this:

Look at your hips! Look at your thighs! Do you want guys to like you? Guys don't like fat girls! You must stay on your diet! Don't you want to look good in your clothes? Then you have to stay on your diet! No exceptions Fatty!

Every page after that read similar to this passage. I would write about the day, and then write myself another reminder of horrible I was and why no one wanted me. As I turned each page, I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes and threatening to fall. I desperately needed to finish packing, but I needed to take a moment and mourn the death of my fourteen year old self. At fourteen, I was smart, and beautiful and talented. Yet none of these things ever made it to my journal. Because I had no clue; I had no self-worth. I hated taking pictures, I hated wearing clothes that weren't baggy and too big. My mother would tell me things like, Honey, God gave you those legs, now show them! I thought I was nothing, and treated myself that way. I sat on my bed, losing the struggle to a voracious flow of tears. I couldn't believe my self-esteem had ever been that low. Why in the world should a fourteen year old girl be counting calories?? I should have been eating pizza with my friends and worrying about the consequences later, years later.

After my crying had subsided a bit, I threw the journals in the nearest box. I was able to breathe a sigh of relief. At least I didn't carry it into my adult years. I can honestly say that although I am not completely happy with my body, I'm content enough not to obsess over it the way I did then. For a minute, I thought, well, every girl must go through that and when they become an adult, they realize how important confidence is in your everyday life.

The shocking truth - not everyone realizes this as an adult.

I see adults treating themselves the same way I did when I was a girl, but it is worse, because it's coming from an adult. I was reading a friend of a friend's blog the other day, and she was worried that after losing weight, she wouldn't look good in a dress she had recently bought herself. She did have the courage to post a picture, and she looked fabulous. Not because she was a size 2, but because in the picture, if there was any doubt in her mind that she didn't look good in that dress, I couldn't tell. She looked fierce! Her smile said, look at me, I'm beautiful and to hell with you if you don't agree! So when she shared in her blog about her inner struggle, I was shocked. I don't know her very well, but I always thought she was so confident and sure of herself. I never would have thought that she would ever think like that! She has a great job, a wonderful fiance who loves her more than anything, and now a svelte figure to boot. But it truly breaks my heart to know that women, years after the Teen years, are still struggling with their self-esteem.

I will admit, I am not perfect. I have my days when I'm feeling like I'm not in the best shape. But I will never, can NEVER go back to that fourteen year old girl who barely enjoyed her high school experience because her self-esteem was basically in Hell. I want to give my friend of a friend a great big virtual hug, and tell her go on with your bad self, Diva! And I want to encourage all women, especially the ones around me because I have no ugly friends ;o), to big up yourself today! Do it in your blog! Say it aloud! Compliment yourself! Post a picture of you in your flyest dress so that other people can big up you too, because they will recognize the flyness. You deserve it! Do not look back on this time in your life and wonder why you did not think you were fly back then, because you were!

Thank you, TD, for sharing your story and for your inspiration. You are fly to me.

By the way, I really am fly.

If you've never seen me, you can imagine that I'm fly, cuz I am.

posted by DramaQueen @ 4:37 AM