The Reality of a Cancer
I was talking to a friend of mine whose zodiac sign is Cancer, just like mine. I asked her what qualities she thought were true about herself that zodiac experts say are typical of Cancers. She said everything that everyone says about Cancers: emotional, sensitive, moody, caring, nurturing, etc. I thought, ok, I'm not all that moody (I have to be provoked), but the rest got a nod of agreement. Then she said something that piqued my interest:"Cancers have a way of creating their own reality sometimes."
Hmmmm....my mind immediately raced around searching for instances where I just made up my own reality. And there were so many to choose from. My reality changes from moment to moment.
When I am in my house alone, I pretend that I am completely someone else. It is amazing what you can make yourself into when no one is there to judge you. Sometimes, I am a strong woman, who could care less about whether or not a man is in her life...I can just sit there and wait to reap the benefits of life when you live it courageously....
And I use test subjects to try out new ideas and theories that I want to have. I have recently been working in an environment where the people don't know me very well. I have decided that, realistically, I can be a little less honeysuckles and sunflowers in my demeanor and psyche - especially in the way that I feel about men.
I decided that, for me, marriage is overrated. I have been so disheartened as every hope and dream I have ever had for the male species is consistently dashed and shot down. So when the subject of men and relationships came up, I said to myself, it is all or nothing. So I started spouting off about how I didn't care for relationships, all I wanted was a companion to hang out with and more than occasionally have sex with, and I don't really want to get married because marriage today isn't what is used to be, blah blah blah.
Then came the questions and comment portion of the program. Why do feel that way? Is it because you're in New York? You know, the dating scene in New York is basically non-existent. You just have to wait, the right man will come. He will show up when you are not even looking - if he knows you are looking, you'll scare him away.
And that is what took the cake for me. Maybe it's just me, but I am confused. Why do people spend so much time trying to give me hope and boost my self-esteem to get that man of my dreams, only to follow it with "but don't look for him, cuz if he knows you are looking, you'll scare him off." Am I dating or deer-hunting?
So I have to be sure to add to the Manual instructions on how to Stop Looking...that is, when I find out how to do it myself. This is where my test theory comes in. If I convince myself that I don't want it, then I won't look for it. Sounds easy enough.
Of course the girls that I was conversing with both have had their boyfriends for like the past eight years, and are just a couple of his paychecks away from getting a ring...and that is great for them, and I mean that. Marriage is wonderful for people who have properly rehearsed how to cohabitate and communicate with another person like that. I haven't, and I am scared.
**a confession**
I am scared of all possible outcomes. I am scared that I won't ever meet anyone I want to marry. I am scared I will meet someone I want to marry, and eventually, he will disappoint me so much, that I will be emotionally scarred. I am scared that I will meet this wonderful man, and even with all of his great attributes, discover that I am still a little "too much" for him. And I don't want people to tell me that one day I will find that special someone, because some people have found that special someone that found someone more special than them a few years (or months...or weeks) later. And to be quite frank, I don't want to wait and see. Whimsy in the female Cancer is a common myth; I need absolutes. I wanna know now, no surprises, no gray, no just going about my day to day, and then, BOOM getting smacked in the head with Love, being captured by it, only to be released when the thrill of the chase is over, and it's time to conquer some new unsuspecting hopeless creature...
I digress.
I consider myself to be a brave and courageuous person. But that is a risk that truly scares me. I can dance like nobody is watching, but I don't think I'll ever have the ability to love like it's never gonna hurt.
I want my reality to be that I can live my life and just not give a fuck about what people think, how scared I am of what he might want, or how scared he is of what I might want. For just a moment, I want to put on the costume of the Don't Give a Fuck character, give a wonderfully believable performance, and stand there and receive as the audience applauds and gives me a standing ovation.
"And the Oscar for Best Actress in a Realistic World goes to....."
And the crowd goes wild.
posted by DramaQueen @ 10:16 AM
4 Comments:
I'm a Cancer too and I think all applies except for the moody part. I don't think I'm moody at all, and I strongly agree with Cancers making their own reality, but, to some degree, don't we all make our own reality? Doesn't it fall in life with life is what you make of it?
In regards to marriage and men:
I used to think that marriage is overrated also, but then I thought "If I met a man that wants to marry me why should I compare our future marriage with others?" Then I had to go back, as far back as I can, in my life and figure out where is it all coming from? This fear of being married and fear of it not working out. I realized that my fear came from my father. I don't know who he is or where he is, but I do know that he disappeared out of my mother's life when I was one. I grew up thinking that every man I date is going to leave me because I am not worth staying with. I started to think that I didn't deserve the union of marriage. Why get married? He's going to leave anyway? and that's what almost all the men I dated did. They left, and then society was confirming my theory by telling me the divorce rate in the country every year. When I started looking back in my life I realized that these men didn't leave me, I pushed them away. I was never surprised that they left because I expected it from them. Then I realized that it was me...if I changed my attitude about life and the people I date, how much of a difference will it make? Do I want to be happy or do I want to live my life without hope? and if I have kids, will I pass my negative theories on to them?
Then I took a break from men and the dating scene for a good 2 years. Yes, two years of no dating or anything. Just me trying to figure out what I want in life and decide in which lens do I want to see life. My friends told me, while I was dating, not to look for that special person because if you do you'll scare him, but the correct saying is you don't need to look for that person because he will come when you least expect him to. The funny thing is that this person is probably someone you know. Someone that you've never looked at in a romantic way, but it's not time for you two to get together yet. Maybe there are a lot of things that God needs to prepare you for before you get into a serious relationship with him. I grew a lot during my two years off the dating scene. I've learned a lot about what I wanted, and where I wanted to be when it came to relationships. When things became clear to me, I was a much more focused and stronger person, and I started dating the person I'm going to marry. Mind you, he was there all along, but I wasn't looking. I've only dated all of my life, never had a serious relationship, never had a boyfriend, and he came along and became my first and last official boyfriend. Isn't that wild? I say, don't search for that special someone, but search for your true self deep down inside.
From reading your fears it seems like you need some time to figure out which risk do you want to take? Do you want to risk not finding someone at all? or risk finding someone and just going with the flow. No need to ask all of these questions about your future relationship, just live in the present. Live in the now. Live just to live.
Dag! I wrote too much.
Okay, I will leave you with this quote
"My attitude about life is the lens through which I see and am seen. I am surrendered and still."
So, what lens are you looking through?
Here's an affirmation:
Today I choose to let go of old ways of thinking that are no longer serving my soul’s desire to love and serve all.
well DQ, i have to say that i agree with you. i have worn the costume of the person that doesn' give a fuck. i have even managed to convince some people that i don't. worst of all, i have managed to convince myself that i don't give a fuck. there is so much i could say here...
And the comments go on and on. I agree WE DO CREATE OUR OWN REALITIES. So did I really kill the cancer bitch or is that my created reality. Food for thought.
As for men, my husband and I have his, mine, and ours. I could not expect a man with no baggage when I was dragging a load of my own. When people tell me they want to get married, I asked them are they sure and tell them there are benefits to being single. Of course there are benefits to being married as well, and the opposite of benefits is ... It surely is not all roses and happy times. Sometimes it is very rough.
Without your created reality you would not be able to handle all that life throughs at you sometimes. Your created reality serves as relief from the normal every day stresses. When you no longer need that reality on to the next.
So one day I might actually resurrect the cancer bitch. She might still have purpose in my life.
As one of those cohabitating ring chicks, I have to say that I agree with a lot of what you say. But that fear never goes away. There are some days when I look over at Zeen and wonder is this the day he's had enuff?
The way I see it is that you have two options. Never put yourself out there or dip your toe in and then jump in and let the current take you wherever.
I choose the latter.
Much like dl & b-nice, I have baggage that I brought in to the relationship because of the simple fact that I never saw one good relationship in my life.
I had no model to work from so I created my own. When the moment presents itself for you, it will become clear to you just like it did to me.
So until then, no worries.
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