Mahogany's Theme
Do you know where you're going to?I thought I did.
Ever since I could speak, I was performing. I loved to be the center of attention, but not by acting out or throwing temper tantrums. I loved to make people laugh and to see people applaud for me after I have single-handedly entertained them. My life plan was made. I got accepted into a prestigious performing arts elementary school, got accepted into a prestigious performing arts college/training conservatory, and as soon as I graduated, I was off to New York to make it big.
Everything was going according to plan. I had mastered the art of being the best at whatever I did. I got all the leads I wanted in high school, and stayed ahead of the game in college. I even managed to go above and beyond a few times. Everyone knew I was on my way to stardom. Within minutes of meeting me, people would say, "you must be an actress or something."
or something was more like it.
There was a time when I knew that there was nothing else in this world that I wanted to do. I knew it would be hard to do, but since that was my only option, that made it easier. Now, as an adult hustling every day to pay bills and still not a household name, I can think of a million other things that I could be doing. I could teach, I could write, I could consult, I could coach, I could go back to school, I could...do a lot of things. I am intelligent and I have a lot of skills.
Confused after all these years of only wanting one thing? Could it be that as an adult, I have finally faced the reality of having to get a real job in order to survive? Or could it be my fear that I'll be a 40 year-old starving artist? One can only "starve" for so long without dying a slow and hungry death...
Something's gotta give, I mutter to myself on my way to another unfulfilling job. I didn't go to school for this, I did not spend my entire early life preparing for this...
They say that once you have a job that you love, you'l never have to work day in your life.
Patience is a virtue. My patience is wearing thin. Hard work pays off. Well, I'm tired. If at first you don't succeed, try and try again...so when do you say enough is enough?
I could do a lot of things...I could teach, I could write, I could "keep at it" and possibly bartend for the rest of my life...
or I could accept the fate of Mahogany's theme that haunts me every single day:
Do you know where you're going to?
YES...no...I don't know. Does that answer your question?
posted by DramaQueen @ 3:26 AM
5 Comments:
I feel your confusion. Ok so I'm 40 and I already am some place, but in my 20's I did not have a clue. And of course where I have ended up is no where near where I thought I was going. As I look out and see friends and relatives doing what they love in the performing arts and business world, I admire them for not taking the easy road. You are so talented it would be a shame to see your creativity dimmed and stifled on a corporate plantation.
I'll tell you what I screamed at the TV when I saw Claire seeming to settle for a corporate cage on SFU, SAVE YOURSELF!
I know it's hard as hell and I give you mad props for grinding the way you do. But I truly believe you have talents that can't be denied.
Cosigning wit B, I would hate to see all that light that I see in you dimmed in a corporate dungeon.
Keep grinding girl, you give me hope.
Wow!! How did you get inside my head/life? I am 40+ and that is the question ahead of me. I have several degrees; I did all the right things; and sacrificed and gave up lots to get to where I wanted to be. But, today, I am nowhere near where I want to be. I thought that by now, I would own the house; have the Volvo; be married with 2.5 kids; etc.etc. But "it" hasn't happened, and I don't want to settle for the 9 to 5; it doesn't do my personality well. Yet, I might have to surrender to all of it to pay the bills.
If that corporate door ever opeens for you, make sure you close it or run away from it. The corporate world will rob you of your light, and make you have some regrets. I think we all need to start looking at how much we've accomplished and those around the same age, pursuing the same dream aren't even near our current success. They are striving to be where we are. 2006 is the year to make moves. Let's plan now for the revolution of tomorrow!!!
Dear Soul Survivor,
As a former New York actress I read your story, I remembered my story and saw myself. I have read several of your blogs over the past few weeks and "Mahogany's Theme" caused me to reflect and write this comment. You may have to invest in yourself by going to therapy to truly deconstruct the emotions and feelings you are experiencing with the "business of show." As a young girl I pondered the question what do I want to do when I get big? I decided I wanted to be just like "Miss Ross" a star. However, I was not aware of the cost of Miss Ross' fame. I attended all the correct schools and studied all the great masters but not one of my teachers explained to me with a clarity of truth the cost. It was not until I met a great actress who I'd admired for years and she told me simply, "They [Hollywood]the land of La, la tries to seduce you with fame by systematically stealing and killing your soul." she further stated, "If you are not careful they will turn you out so much that you will look like Diana." I understood her comment completely as I had just quit a production of "the Colored Museum." By this time I had also entered my own therapeutic routine, (yoga and a psychologist) and was on my way towards academia. Now I use my "gifted vessel" in a new way, I am a public speaker, teacher and minister and the rewards are much more fulfilling and the cost is something in my opinion worth risking. My audience is the world not just the television/broadway/movie watching public.
Peace and a bottle of hair grease!
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