My First Love
I had the most disturbing dream last night. I dreamed that my father was my boyfriend. We were visiting my grandparents in Alabama, and we were having problems. Fighting and stuff. When I woke up, I was kind of freaked out. What the hell was wrong with me? I felt so disturbed....But then it all made sense. My father was the first man in my life.
They say the first man a girl ever falls in love with is her father.
And if there are problems then, there are problems sure to come.
My father and I don't have the best relationship. Frankly, my father and I don't have a relationship. And I never realized untill last night how much it has affected me and the way I date. Every man that has come into my life since I started dating I can, in some way, relate to my father. It was ironically funny to me that in my dream, the reason we were fighting was because he didn't pay me any attention. It seemed like he'd rather be doing anything else, as long as it didn't involve me.
The feelings were so familiar. I would look at him and wonder, what is it about me that makes you afraid to truly know me? Why do you feel it is such a burden to spend time with me? How can you not want to know me?!?!? And...why am I still attatched to someone that doesn't give a damn about me? Why do I keep loving you no matter how much you hurt me?
Sound familiar?
My father/boyfriend/man in my dream had no real distinction in the dream the more I think back on it. I thought I was disturbed because of the fact that I just dreamed that my father was my boyfriend.
But could it be that I was disturbed by the similarities?
They both try to act like nothing is wrong after they have wronged me.
And they both always come back and try to make amends, even though I know the mending is temporary and they will only hurt me again in a while.
The only difference is...deep down in my heart, I know that even when the others don't, my father deserves a second chance...and a third...and a fourth....and a fifth...
You can always go out and get another boyfriend. You won't ever get a chance to get another father.
Daddy, you're an asshole...and I love you.
posted by DramaQueen @ 10:20 AM
1 Comments:
Co sign, co sign and co sign! I am so with you on that. I can't even deal with my dad. And he can't seem to figure out why. It's a super long story that I won't even go into but man that post hit home for me.
I made it my business to seek a man who had nothing at all in the relm of anything in common with my dad.
Because I hate drama and I'm not a romantic like my Mom, I chose someone who could vibe with me on that. I don't ever want my children to be stuck with a father who can't bring himself to love them properly.
I think I succeeded. *fingers crossed*
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