SoulSurvivor

Oxymoron

you know...it's so hot, it's cool? It's so good, it's bad? It's so nice, it's sick or ill? I never understood the concept behind oxymorons. I always thought they were stupid. I guess that means either I'm too brilliant to get it, or too dumb to understand it. I dunno.

I had a dream the other night about The Guy. As a matter of fact, let's just call him Guy from now on. (Sorry, this won't be the last you'll hear about him! At least untill he comes to his senses...)

Anyway, we were at a party. We kept trying to find each other, but kept missing each other. It was a like a crazy maze in a huge house. We finally caught up with one another, and he puts both of his hands on my shoulders - you know how people do when they want to brace you for what they are about to say. He says:

"DQ, I am afraid to be happy. I have never been happy before, and I am just scared. I wouldn't know what to do with this kind of happiness. I know I could be happy with you, but I am afraid. I don't know this kind of happiness..."

Besides being completely weirded out by how many times and ways he used the word "happy", I didn't know what to think of this dream. There was another dream after that, but we didn't communicate in that one, he was just present.

If I may be deep for a minute, is it possible for a human being to not desire happiness? Like, do people really say that? And mean it? I haven't talked to Guy since my return, and my thoughts are racing. I thought I wouldn't care, because my plan was to go there, put things out on the table, and leave. If he responded to my liking, we get things on and poppin'. If not, out of sight, out of mind, right? Wrong. I haven't seen or talked to him, and this man is living rent-free in my mind. And I cannot afford it.

So I have been preparing myself for the conclusion of the Nice Blow-Off. How traumatic and incredibly oxy-moronic, I know. But that's all I could come up with, since I'm being forced to assume. I have felt at times a "You're too good for me" vibe from him, but I ignored it, because it's ridiculous. I am so confused and irritated...irritated because I'm confusing myself. What I really want to do is demand some answers. Better yet, demand communication. Even if it's to tell me to fuck off, I'd rather hear it than assume it. Sometimes I think that men think that if they can't tell us what we want to hear, that we are going to steal into their room in the middle of the night and stab them in their sleep. But I digress...

So maybe this dream means nothing. Maybe he is crafting a really Nice Blow-Off. Maybe he is rejecting me to make me happy. Maybe to be happy with me is so intimidating that it will actually not be a good thing. Maybe he is taking time to think and not using that as an excuse to stall in telling me how he really feels.

I hate oxymorons. They are bad. And I don't mean good.

posted by DramaQueen @ 5:54 PM