Contents of my Character
I just read another fellow blogger's post
(TD) and I felt strangely connected to it. I'll let you go to it and read it in detail, but basically she was talking about different aspects of her personality and how it has changed.
Like TD, people used to tell me (and sometimes still do) that I reminded them of Synclaire from
Living Single and Freddie from
A Different World. To be honest, I went through a range of emotions about this over the past years. Sometimes I didn't mind, sometimes it pissed me off, and sometimes I took it as a compliment. It depended on who said it and in what context. For the most part, it was true. I always had on slightly rose-colored glasses, and had that dreamy, glass-is-half-full outlook on life. Plus I was goofy and silly at best (some things haven't changed that much).
Since I began coming into my womanhood (and changing environments), I haven't changed much, but a few characters have been added to my cast. Now I've got some Miranda from Sex in the City (my sense of sarcasm and wit gets sharper and dryer by the day), a little Claire Huxtable (I can work my mouthpiece in way that I don't have to straight be cussin' folks out but I get my point across), and even a little Khadijah from Living Single (I'm much better at being straight-forward and honest).
Much like my girl TD, it's much more balanced. People can't help but to love the Freddie/Synclaire in me, they won't mess with the Claire, the Miranda will shut them up, and the Khadijah will give it to 'em straight, no chaser.
I'm sure it'll change a little more as I get older. And I can't wait. So far, I have the perfect cast of characters. And the best part is, they always know their cue.
Oxymoron
you know...it's so hot, it's cool? It's so good, it's bad? It's so nice, it's sick or ill? I never understood the concept behind oxymorons. I always thought they were stupid. I guess that means either I'm too brilliant to get it, or too dumb to understand it. I dunno.
I had a dream the other night about The Guy. As a matter of fact, let's just call him Guy from now on. (Sorry, this won't be the last you'll hear about him! At least untill he comes to his senses...)
Anyway, we were at a party. We kept trying to find each other, but kept missing each other. It was a like a crazy maze in a huge house. We finally caught up with one another, and he puts both of his hands on my shoulders - you know how people do when they want to brace you for what they are about to say. He says:
"DQ, I am afraid to be happy. I have never been happy before, and I am just scared. I wouldn't know what to do with this kind of happiness. I know I could be happy with you, but I am afraid. I don't know this kind of happiness..."Besides being completely weirded out by how many times and ways he used the word "happy", I didn't know what to think of this dream. There was another dream after that, but we didn't communicate in that one, he was just present.
If I may be deep for a minute, is it possible for a human being to not desire happiness? Like, do people really say that? And mean it? I haven't talked to Guy since my return, and my thoughts are racing. I thought I wouldn't care, because my plan was to go there, put things out on the table, and leave. If he responded to my liking, we get things on and poppin'. If not, out of sight, out of mind, right? Wrong. I haven't seen or talked to him, and this man is living rent-free in my mind. And I cannot afford it.
So I have been preparing myself for the conclusion of the Nice Blow-Off. How traumatic and incredibly oxy-moronic, I know. But that's all I could come up with, since I'm being forced to assume. I have felt at times a "You're too good for me" vibe from him, but I ignored it, because it's ridiculous. I am so confused and irritated...irritated because I'm confusing myself. What I really want to do is demand some answers. Better yet, demand communication. Even if it's to tell me to fuck off, I'd rather hear it than assume it. Sometimes I think that men think that if they can't tell us what we want to hear, that we are going to steal into their room in the middle of the night and stab them in their sleep. But I digress...
So maybe this dream means nothing. Maybe he is crafting a really Nice Blow-Off. Maybe he is rejecting me to make me happy. Maybe to be happy with me is so intimidating that it will actually not be a good thing. Maybe he is taking time to think and not using that as an excuse to stall in telling me how he really feels.
I hate oxymorons. They are bad. And I don't mean good.
Jazz In The Key of Life
I am a jazz fanatic. Mostly the older stuff, but I can appreciate some of the new stuff too. I love to hear it behind a rap track, or under slammin' vocals, or alone in it's own complexity.
I finally figured out why I love jazz so much. Of course the obvious - it's a complex form of music. You can almost hear the notes conflicting with themselves, but that's not all.
Jazz is like clay - your mind can mold it into whatever mood you want it to be in. Jazz can be sad, happy, mellow, upbeat, erotic, scholastic, spiritual...the list goes on. Someone told me recently that they didn't like jazz (GASP) - that they just couldn't get into it.
Impossible, I said. Jazz is forgiving. Jazz is easily influenced. It can be what you make it. I'm listening to it right now as I type, wondering how music can move your soul in such a way. It's a soundtrack to your thoughts. No matter what's on my mind, it fits. I LOVE that.
I don't really know why I felt compelled to blog about Jazz, but it's hard to put into words where this music takes me. It rescues me. Without asking questions. Or imprinting anything on my mind besides music notes....*sigh*...
Random Thoughts - I can't believe people didn't know I had a tattoo! I swear, as soon as I got it, I showed it to anyone who would look.
Is there a way to put emoticons on blogs?
Is it possible to feel like you're being used and to feel useless at the same time?
Always pondering...
Random
I had a fun-filled weekend. It full, as usual, with activity, but at least it was fun stuff. I have been having some random thoughts, so I'll share:
I really need a new hairstyle.
I am probably one of the few women in the world that
does not have a shoe fetish. I don't know what's wrong with me, but I basically have three pairs of shoes that I wear with everything. Everyone has their vice, I guess. You know, the one thing you splurge on. My vices are food, cookbooks, toiletries (from hair products to perfume), and yarn.
Is there a such thing as having too many goals?
I tried Moroccan food for the first time today, and I loved it! It was messy (you have to eat with your hands) but it was quite tasty.
Am I a horrible person because I take forever to return phone calls? Or worse for not calling people back because I know they will go off on me for not calling sooner?
I think I want another tattoo...but where?
That's all for now. Holla!
Back in the swing of things or The Interruption of Everything
I'm baaaccckkk! My vacation was great! I had a great time chillin with Millz and Kellz and my other peoples in Ohio. I kicked it hard, laughed about 10 lbs off, and visited some of my favorite spots. I almost didn't want to come back...
But I did. And instead of posting a ridiculously long recap of
The Talk, I'll just give you an excerpt:
The first part was basically just me babbling and hemming and hawing, trying to get out the words that would express what was on my heart. Imagine some really great quotes, some nonsense sprinkled here and there, and a few things I'm still not sure I should have said. And cut to...Me: ...so, basically, I think you're a great guy. Him: (sheepish smile)
I appreciate that.Me: You do? (
more of a comment than a question)Him: yeah.
(awkward silence)Me: ok...that's it?
Him: (
nervous laughter) For now...I mean, it's not everyday a beautiful woman sits me down and tells me how she feels about me...give me a minute to process! (
involuntary smile from me) You've had time to think about this, but you just now tellin' me...
Me: ok, ok. That's fair.
*
insert some reiterating of what was already said to make sure he understood me. Then how he felt about me since before we even knew each other, up to that point. A few more compliments about my physical appearance (COOL POINTS like a mug!) and then, out of nowhere...Him: So what
don't you like about me?
Me: Huh?
* he repeats.Me: Why would you ask me something like that?
Him: Just answer me.
*
I told him he took a long time to explain things, and I would "get it" about five mintues before he finally stops talking. Then I asked him the same question, and he says (brace yourself) that I was...dramatic. Me? Dramatic? ;o) He told me when I talked that I reminded him of The Matrix (he proceeds to do his arms in that waving motion that Keanu Reeves does). I laugh, not because it's funny, but because he looks ridiculous doing that arm thing to describe the way I talk. The nerve!Basically, I got it off my chest. He needs time to think. We had a few laughs, and now I'm waiting...
I feel:relieved
a bit confused( and a little like once again, I am being placed in a position to mind-read).
anxious
aroused (I know, the strangest things trigger that..)
excited
I think that's it. I left out a lot of details, mainly because it was kind of surreal to me. I did everything my mother told me never to do - make the first move, tell him how you feel before you know he feels, and a wealth of other things.
But we all know that the only thing constant in the world is change, so Mother Dear, send a prayer up for your baby girl who is all grown up and ready to make some Major Changes.
I'll keep you posted on my destiny.
