SoulSurvivor

Untitled

I couldn't think of anything clever to name this entry. So here is basically what it is about.

I ran into my ex this past weekend. It was horrible.

This wasn't just an ex; this was the ex. The one whose name comes after just about every sentence I start with "my first". The one who introduced me to a type a man that, three years later, I still haven't seen or met again. The one who completely changed me - take that as you will.

So I was visiting my college for our Alumni weekend. I was high from seeing everyone that shaped my college experience - my girls, my fellas...just being back in that environment made me nostalgic and full of happy memories. I knew in my gut that I would see him, and I thought I was ready. I prepared myself. He's married now, and I'm over it.

I'm sitting with my two girlfriends at a table, drink in my hand. First one of the night. I look especially fierce this evening, I must say. He walks in. The minute he enters the room, my eyes go straight to the door. They lock with his. He acts like he doesn't see me. He makes his way over to my table, greets my two friends, and completely ignores me and heads for the restroom. My mouth, and my friends' mouths drop open. I'll admit, I look a little different, and I haven't seen him in about three years. But not that different, and why wouldn't he acknowledge someone else sitting at the table? I remember him to be a lot of things, but rude wasn't one of them. Anyway...

On his way back out, I grab his arm and ask him coyly, "You're not gonna speak to me?" He looks at me as if he has seen a ghost. Literally. I roll my eyes, and cover it up quickly with a smile. He makes small talk, all while watching the door. I crane my neck to make my eyes meet his and say slowly, "What are you looking at?". He makes some excuse about waiting for someone to come in and cracks a stupid (albeit typical) joke. I give him a courtesy laugh. After an awkward pause, I close the "conversation" and sit back down. We soon discover that there is a more happening club down the street. I silently sing the hallelujah chorus, and agree to club hop anywhere else but there.

Walk into the next club, which I don't remember how it was, because I was still in the cloud of what had just happened. And of course, in he walks, deliberately avoiding me by being everywhere that I was and always having to walk right past me no matter where I was.

Later that night, I tried to assess how I felt. I had no words. I didn't feel hurt or angry, although from the minute I saw him untill I got home, I was fighting tears. This is the best way to describe how I felt: I felt like since the last time I saw him, someone slashed me in the face with a blade, and when I saw him again, I looked the same, only with a huge scar on my face. Still haven't made sense of that metaphor, but I have no choice; it's how I felt. If there was a word that meant more over than over, that is how over this is between us. He couldn't even look me in the face. I wonder if I need closure, but I have it. He wanted it to end, so it ended.

Never mind the fact that he was my forbidden fruit. Before him, I was an innocent, wholesome girl, looking for love in all the wrong places, but never giving up hope. Now I'm just a woman, who can sometimes be a lady if I have to be, but I'm not looking for shit, cuz I know exactly where to find what I want when I want it. Now I'm just a girl with a big ass scar on her face.

Thank goodness scars heal...at least on the outside.

posted by DramaQueen @ 2:17 AM